Jason Curtis

Clearification (3)

It Can Be Pretty Infusing: Advice for Men

Guys, this is not meant for you:

I was informed tonight that Blistex Lip Infusion was not a product meant for men.

My rationale for the confusion and previous two days of oblivious public use of this product is that I assumed that the steel-ball applicator (oh christ, I just used the word applicator) was a masculine feature or, at the very least, a unisex feature.

The point was made though that this product added a little extra shine, and this was tested before my eyes.  Maybe it was the test subject, but I immediately realized that my lips should never look that good.

I'm not sorry I bought it  (its in very good hands right now).  I just want to warn all the men out there that they just need to stick with Blistex Complete.  Furthermore, it is a good rule that if the packaging is black, then you are safe.  I think navy blue works that way as well.

Just a heads up guys. 

But, really?  A steel ball and it's not for me?  That's bullshit.

Tribute to a Hero: Anders Rochelle

Name: Anders Rochelle
Hometown: Santa Fe, New Mexico
Marital Status: Swingle
Sign: Capricorn

Currently an independent kiosk owner at the Villa Linda Mall, Mr. Rochelle  specializes in easy-to-find pewter trinkets and custom-embroidery.  His small business, PePe la Pewter, is currently the #3 kiosk at the VLM behind Hank's Optical Illusiory and Dat Phang's Nine Inch Nails and Stamps.

Yet, behind Anders' quiet and simple appearance lies a deep, dark secret.  Anders Rochelle has been married and divorced 1,404 times.  And this upcoming weekend, he is set to do it all over again.

(L to R): Susan, Mary, and Conchita                                                                                                                                                           
It all began on a cool, crisp desert night in October.  The year was 1979, and as they all will attest, the Buggles were playing on the jukebox.  "It was like any other night at Cackles," Anders says of his favorite comedy club, "I wasn't expecting anything more than a few laughs." 

"He was quiet at first, but then he finished his first drink," says Susan Richardson chuckling about the man whom she will marry (again) this weekend, going on to say, "but seriously, he was wasted.  I had just come inside to ask for directions as my boyfriend, at the time, and I were driving to Los Angeles to make it big.  I never saw my boyfriend again."

Conchita del Rio Cruces shares a similar story, "I was cleaning the bathroom and Senor Rochelle grabbed my hand and took me to his truck.  There were other women there, so I didn't think it strange at all."

"Ah, Cheetah.  She was just icing on a crazy night.  If my buddy Phil hadn't clogged the toilet when he did, who knows?  I may have only been married 900 times by now," says Rochelle.

Mary Tyler Moore, who was in town for a photo shoot that night, rounded out the foursome who all went home to make "passionate and stinky love" as Rochelle likes to describe it, "well, maybe 80/20 stinky to passionate," he elaborates.  "The shit of it is, I didn't think any of them would be there in the morning.  F-ing crazyhouse, man.  F-ing crazyhouse."

The state of New Mexico did not then, nor does now, allow polygamy. "Until they get their heads out of their asses and pass some responsible legislation that recognizes our chosen family structure, then I will continue to marry and divorce these three bodacious beauties every week until the end of time.  Or when I die."

"We are a normal family.  We just want to be recognized as such," the three wives said in unison.

As for the prospect of children, Rochelle says, "Not a chance.  I don't have a penis."

Well, that settles that.

If you'd like to show your support, please write Senator Pete V. Domencini at:

328 Hart Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Or you can call, at 202-224-6621

Fly Eagles, Fly! Part II (aka Die Eagles, Die!)

A few days ago I let my American football confidence get the best of me when I predicted that the Indianapolis Colts would lose to the Philadelphia Eagles next Sunday night.  Part of me did this because of enthusiasm garnered after the easy victory over the Redskins (who now, I hear, suck).  Another part of me wanted to apologize for getting drunk in Philly and calling McNabb a "puker" on a cab ride home.  The cabbie seemed to like that one, or maybe it was the grilled cheese-style pizza that we picked up on the way back to the hotel.

Well, football gods, I humbly bow down to your awesomeness as I begin the long and difficult process of getting over Donovan's torn ACL which will keep him out, possibly, until this point next season.

Now, to add insult to 'injury', I reid this on philly.com today:

"I've seen this team perform without the mistakes and they're a playoff-caliber football team," Reid said. "I've seen them play with the mistakes and they're terrible."

Hey Andy!  Mistakes are attributed to coaching more than anything else.  Let me translate that for you:

I've seen this team perform without terrible coaching and they're a playoff-caliber football team, I've seen them play with bad coaching and they're terrible."

Last night , a friend of mine asked me what I thought about Andy Reid's future and I said that I thought that the Eagles would easily give him a year to turn this around.  Now, after seeing this quote, I have to say that I would support a change after this season.  Especially if the Eagles don't end up with more than the six wins they ended up with last year.  Can that happen?  Let's look at their schedule:

11/26 - Colts - Nope.
12/4 - Panthers - Preseason Superbowl favorites who, while in the most boring way possible, are finding a way to win.  20/80 chance of winning.
12/10 - Redskins - They suck, as I mentioned before.  Yet, they will win.  Weird, huh? 50/50 shot at this one.
12/17 - Giants - Nope.
12/25 - Cowboys - We will win this one.  Don't ask how, but we will.
12/31 - Atlanta - This is the rubber match.  They win this one and Reid stays, they lose it to go 6-10 and Reid is out.

I fucking hate football right now.

Hilarity

I met a guy who directed porn and now writes about it academically.

I met a guy who was in a movie with the six million dollar man.

I saw two twats get yelled at. And you can too, HERE.

Yet another night that ended with rain...and at 5:15am...yikes!

These Moments Happened, I Know It

Ol' Dirty Bastard touched all the eggs in a dozen to make sure that they were not broken before he put them in the fridge.

2Pac cried when he stubbed his toe.

The Notorious B.I.G. looked in a mirror and thought, "Man, I need to start working out."

George W. Bush sat in the oval office and tried to make sure that his office was really oval. It was.

Dakota Fanning's first word was "residuals".

Robert DeNiro has wondered what kissing a man would be like.

Bea Arthur has masturbated more than once in a day on many occassions.

Martha Stewart once sneezed and got snot all over her hand. She then proceeded to wipe her hand on the bottom of her shoe, because the cameras were about to roll.

Alyssa Milano, while eating a microwave burrito, realized she hadn't showered in three days. It took her 24 hours to then get in the shower.

_______________________________

Now, what if all of this happened within 20 feet of each other, on the same day? There should be a TV show like that.

Fly Eagles, Fly!

Sunday 11/26/06
Indianapolis, IN

Televised on ESPN.

The Eages WILL hand the Colts their first loss.

It will not be close.

The Election - 1,000 Words

image courtesy of Mike Daisey.

On All Things Young

On the flip side of the point of my previous post (which was unresearched and opinionated at best) I do enjoy when small improvements are made.

Last night, Griff and I went up to Harris Teeter after getting back in town from Philly. I was tired, I was hungry, and somehow, I was sunburnt.

I picked up a six pack of OJ in small, convenient, my stomach-sized portions of the Trop. Since they are of the 'To Go' variety, each one has a straw attached (which already earns points for reminding me of all of my elementary school straw-related lunch beverages.

So I stuck the straw into the container and began enjoying my OJ. Yet, from the get-go, I anticipated a problem; The straw was not reaching the bottom of the container. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I waited until I started having flow problems.

I tried the tilt and drink at weird angles-strategy (probably due to some supressed memory of having to do the same thing in third grade). This was not effective, and as the top of the container brushed against my nose I began to think that maybe I was too big to enjoy OJ using this container. Was I too old for 'fun packaging'? I resisted the urge to agree with this hypothesis.

Then, something happened. I noticed the double-layer design of the straw. Holy shit! The straw was extendable! I used this technological marvel for the first time, and was able on my first attempt to almost double the size of the straw. From there, I slurped with joy. 2 seconds later, the rest of the OJ was gone.

I smiled a 100% smile, beginning to digest 100% of the OJ in the container.

Nice call on the straw.

All Things New

In any capitalist society, the importance of improvements is high. In order to regain market share, foster competition, etc. we must make advances in technology and process. It is inevitable.

Apple has been one of the more innovative companies in the world over the past 5 years (since the announcement of the iPod. The iPod quickly grew in popularity and now even small cities are seeing the kind of user dedication that so quickly swept through the New Yorks, Seattles, and Los Angeles of the nation.

Cooperating with the iPod has been iTunes, a program which stands on its own in terms of convenience and sheer power when dealing with mp3 collections. iTunes simplified the process (although WinAmp seemed to have it right).

Yet, with the release of iTunes 7 -- Apple has taken a huge step BACKWARDS in the categories of reliability and ease of use. The Gapless playback feature is pointless unless you suffer from severe OCD. The lack of processing related gaps is not worth computer freezes, network issues, and software crashes that many have experienced.

While I am sure that Apple will solve the many issues with the new software, I am concerned that the nation's coolest and most supportive company is becoming too big. Investors concerns and the growth that fuels there silent compliance with Apple is ruining what was a shining example of a company that took responsible steps to very quickly take over the market in the digital music realm.

Meanwhile, my computer is suffering from kernel crisis', I have suffered through lost information. Now, I find myself working on a laptop that is less than 2 years old, wondering what the next thing to go wrong with it will be.

I fucking hate technology when it doesn't work.