I don't do these things nearly enough, or do them too much. Here goes:
Go to your iTunes/Windows Media Player/WinAmp and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.
What do you think of me, iTunes?
“(Remember The Days of The) Old Schoolyard – Cat Stevens
So I apparently make you feel young again? That’s nice.
Will I have a happy life?
“Lie In Our Graves” – Dave Matthews Band 8.15.95
This song is about being happy when you die. I like clear answers.
What do my friends really think of me?
“MFC” – Pearl Jam – Yield
I don’t know what to say to that iTunes. Are you saying that my friends want to disappear with me so that no one can find us, or that they want to disappear so that I can’t find them? Are you high, iTunes?
Do people secretly lust after me?
The Sound of Fear – The Eels – Daisies Of The Galaxy
“I can't hear, The sound of fear” iTunes, I like you because you’re right. If someone lusts after me then they should just come on up to me and let me know. If I’m into it, then we can see what happens. If I’m not, I’ll let ‘em down gently…real gently.
How can I make myself happy?
Tweezer Reprise – Phish 12.01.1994
“Won’t you step into the freezer, and please her with a tweezer”
iTunes…you really need to stop reading my mind.
What should I do with my life?
“Blood On That Rock” – The Word
This is a spiritual instrumental. Thanks a lot for the help iTunes, it means a lot.
Why must life be so full of pain?
“Paint It Black” – The Rolling Stones – Flashpoint
Not so much of an answer to the question as it is an affirmation that life is full of pain. However, even though life is painful the melody is beautiful.
How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
“Oh Well” – Jimmy Page and the Black Crowes
“When I talked to god, I knew he’d understand
He said stick by me and I’ll be your guiding hand”
In my experience, girls get a little bit freaked out when you bring God into the bedroom. That’s my advice to you iTunes, you twisted fuck.
Will I ever have children?
Move On Down the Line – Roy Orbison
Nice. Why? I don’t know, but it’s nice nonetheless
Will I die happy?
“I’ll Stick Around” – Foo Fighters
That’s right…immortality.
Can you give me some advice?
“Smile Lines” – Incubus – A Crow Left Of A Murder
I will work my hardest to develop smile lines. That would be a fun project.
What do you think happiness is?
“A Tear For Eddie” – Ween
Another instrumental. At first glance this song may seem sad, but it has always made me happy to listen to it.
What's my favorite fetish?
“Rock and Roll” – Phish – 1/4/03
This is true.
What is my significant other thinking at this very moment?
“Waiting For the Worms” – Pink Floyd – The Wall
Literally, this is disturbing. Figuratively, she is a dirty girl.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
“Street Fighting Man” – The Rolling Stones
I agree that anyone who tries to figure this age-old question out should be beaten. Again, iTunes and I agree.
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